The Introvert's Dilemma

Wanting to be there
But not wanting to talk
Not sure if you can really listen
Among the hammering noise
The music plays on
As the voices ramble on
Sitting on the couch
You tried so desperately to avoid
You're fine with watching the madness ensue
Like you're own personal zoo
But others start to perceive
Your distance as unease
And that you must feel out of place
Though you're okay where you're at
Just not wanting to seem
Uninterested or mean

12/2/16 -- ALJ

HURT

These are the moments that hurt the most
When all I want is to help
But it all leads to screaming
I just want to share my side of things
There's a wall built up
That I just can't breach
That I just can't reach
And the slamming door echoes in my heart
I never say it right
I don't make it better
It's now just so much worse
But I don't want you to change
I just want you to be happy
Stop living in two worlds
Don't make your own rules
This life will beat you in the end

7/17/16 -- ALJ

Remnants

Remnants of the storm
Broken pieces left behind
Gathered together
Still resting on your mind

Plies and piles
On either side
Piled up high

A broken bench
Where we used to sit
Left in pieces
Strewn across the ground

Ravaged by the storm
It swooped in
Crushing and crashing
Hitting anything it found

How to recover
How to mend
The many things
Completely destroyed in the end

7/16/2016 -- ALJ

Life Unplanned

I had it all planned out

What I wanted from life

My school, my career

Having a job, being a wife

A home by the sea

No inland living for me

Having a dog or two

And maybe some children too

But it hasn't happened at all

Not the way that I saw

And I'm still waiting to see

What life has in store for me

But it's the waiting that's hardest 

It never seems to end

But not planning at all

Seems rather quite dull

So I'll write stories instead

Ones that have lived in my head

As I continue to wait for you

To do what you do

Make good from the bad

In this crazy life I have had

You alone can see

The very real me

And though it's scary at times

That you know all my lines

Those said and not said

All the thoughts from my head

There's a great comfort in knowing 

That you still choose me

You shouldn't 

I know I wouldn't 

But you still choose me

Thank you

For choosing me

7/15/16 -- ALJ

Waiting on a Promise

It's hard waiting
To wait on a promise
One that may never come
Waiting for something
That's just not true
So you have to figure out
What's worth it and watch
Just shut out the excess
Focus on the truth

7/13/2016 -- ALJ

GRANDPA B.

I miss your laugh
I miss your smile
I wish you could have stayed
Just for a little while

Just for a moment
So I could dance with you
Please save me a dance in heaven
We never got that chance on earth
But some day, I just know
We'll get to dance together
In such glorious mirth

So save me a dance
Or maybe two or three
I  love you, Grandpa
And miss you so clearly

7/2/16 -- ALJ

ETHER

Shout it out
Into the ether
Nothing bounces back to me
Let it all out
Before it takes control
Don't want this feeling
Sick of fighting
Every day
Just want it to leave
Now
Just want it
To go away

6/15/2016 -- ALJ

Shout It Out

Shout it out into the ether
Nothing bounces back to me
Let it all out
Before it takes control of me
Don't want this feeling
Sick of fighting it every day
Just want it to leave now
Just want it to go away

6/15/16 -- ALJ

RELIEF

Finding relief in the words

Getting them all down

Catching them on paper

Before they’re no longer found

Releasing them to the world

Not holding on anymore

Easing the pain

The feelings you don’t want to feel

Your mind drifts

And thoughts fade away

Catch them now

Before they float away

Wanting them to drift away

High above the clouds

Wanting them to lift you away

Taking you with them

Pulling you free

Out of the muck

Out of the mire

Out of the horrid feelings in your mind

What is the beauty of the mess?

What will you find when you pull out all the words?

Will you find anything there left to save?

Will you feel anything at all?

After moments that you weep,

You’ll push yourself forward.

You work to move on,

Trying to stay strong.

But it’s harder today.

It’s hard in this moment.

How long it will last…

You don’t know it.

The one thing you want to avoid

It’s looking at you now

Right in the eye

You can’t avoid it

No matter how you try

6/15/16 – ALJ

Jumbled Thoughts

Finding relief in the words
Getting them all down
Catching them on paper
Before they're no longer found
Releasing it to the world
Not holding on anymore
Easing the pain and the feelings
That you don't want to feel anymore

Your mind drips and the thoughts fade away
Catch them now or they're likely to float away

Wanting them to drift away
High above the clouds
Wanting them to lift you up
Taking you with them
Pulling you free
Out of the mire and muck of your mind

What is the beauty of the mess
What will you find
When you pull out all the words that you find
Is there anything left
To save, to keep
Will you feel anything at all
After the moments that you weep
You'll push yourself forward
You work to move on
Trying to stay strong
But it's harder today
It's hard in this moment
How long it will last
You don't know it

The one thing you want to avoid
But it's looking at you now, right in the eye
You can't avoid it no matter how you try
It's standing there

6/15/16 -- ALJ

Desperation

The moment it sets in
Feeling like you can no longer win
You try and you try and you try
Wanting it to just pass you by
But reality sinks in
You can't win
You're alone
And you've failed
Not by trying
But by being
Alone
The word
On its own
Is something you fear
But continually hear
And it's okay
You say it over and over
Getting used to the sound
Starting down at the ground
Not feeling of worth
Alone on this earth
And it's okay
You want it to be okay
You wish it away
This sadness and gloom
Bringing nothing but doom
And soon you will feel
Something real
But for now
It's just you
On your own
And it's okay
Just don't let it carry you away

6/15/16 -- ALJ

Empty Seat

What’s worse than going alone?

An empty seat unplanned

Going on your own

Well it ain’t so bad

But sitting next to that seat

The one you tried and tried to fill

Rejection after rejection and is empty still

And there’s no more to do

Sick of asking after you and you and you

One can take only so much

And there’s a reason why

I don’t want to buy

Another ticket

No, not more than one

Because going on your own is fun

But not if you expected someone

To fill that empty seat

6/15/16 – ALJ

Restless Night

Too many drinks

Too many thinks

Too much on my mind

Boundaries and actions

Decisions of all kinds

It’s hard to stand back

To watch it all unfold

To let you live your life

Making choices so bold

What will you regret?

If anything at all

When morning breaks

Will you look back on that day

And even remember why

The freedom that you felt

The actions you partake

Do they feel as good now

As they did the other day?

Not thinking about the other

It should matter a little, somehow

But more importantly

Can you live with all of it now?

It saddens me to think

That it’s really okay with you

But even if you feel it

A sense of regret and loss

I still can’t be happy

Knowing what those actions might cost

6/4/16 – ALJ

Ready to Fly

Ready to fly
Leave this world behind
As your heart takes flight
Reaching new heights
You soar on the wings of your mind
Using freedom as your sky
And the limits are high
With so much to see
With so much to do
Working hard you have strived
To get this far
There's no stopping you now
Adventure is what life is for
So strap yourself in
It's your turn to take control
To venture forth in the world
To explore the unknown
What awaits for you
You'll never really know
Unless you allow yourself to breath
And finally just go

5/23/16 -- ALJ

To Live

I travel to a world
Far away from me
To explore, to wander
To live, and to enjoy
Escaping my life
For pleasures and more
I'll come back
Back to reality one day
But for now
I am here
And here I'll be
Living in happiness
Living for me

5/18/16 -- ALJ

Mine

It is what it is
Don't try to make it more
You knew what it was
When you first opened that door
So don't you fret
Nor be dismayed
Your worth is more
Than he could ever say
Look somewhere else
Turn back to me
The joy I can offer
Comes free and easily
There is peace
You shall find
Also rest
For your mind
Come ease your worries
And heal your soul
Your heart may hurt
But you'll always be mine

5/8/16 -- ALJ

Here

Be here
Stay in the now
Don't let it drift
Thinking too far ahead
Or slipping back
To the memories of the past
Stay here
It's a good place to be

5/8/16 -- ALJ

A Quiet Moment

Even in the stillness there is noise
A peaceful calming voice
The world hums around you
As the wind loudly rushes by
A movement that is stirring
An uplifting of the soul
In the distance, you'll hear it
Calling to your beating heart
A rustling behind you
A deep breath, hold it in
Feel the warmth
Glowing on your skin
A swirling rush that stirs you
Tries to pull you away
Trying harder, you close your eyes
Wishing to stay
Yet with a splash the world returns
And like a beating drum
You must join in, it's your turn

5/6/16 -- ALJ

An Island

An island isn't lonely
Though it proudly stands on its own
Yet still it is surrounded
In constant touch with the water
Distance may keep it
Away from other things
But there are things that reach it
By air in a plane or boat by the sea
And if that island is lucky
It's really not that far
If other land is close to it
A bridge can be built for a car
And then the transportation
The movement to and from the island is made
It's not just for isolation
Though at times it's nice to get away

5/6/16 -- ALJ

For Me

Waiting for the sun to set
Waiting for the day to end
Feeling the warmth of it all
As I soak it all in

All the moments of the day
All the love that I gave
Was it enough?
Was it right?
Have I been true to me,
And most of all, true to you?

The struggle is real
Not just the way that I feel
But the moments I live
And the words that I share
Say more about me
To the world that I care
But it's never enough
And the truth can be rough
And daily I find
That I'm not always happy in mind

Yet my spirit is lifted
When I turn to you
When I return outside
To the natural I find
It acts as a glue
A connection to you
And though the sun drifts away
On this glorious day
I wait to see
What tomorrow brings me

The sun will set
But you will not forget
That I am here
As I try to draw near
Clinging to you
And all that you do
For me

5/6/16 -- ALJ

Bittersweet

On Tour

Another city

Another show

Another crowd

Ready to go

Make them laugh

Make them cry

Just don’t make them

Groan and sigh

4/26/16 – ALJ

Simon Michael

Some Days

Some days, I want a husband

But He didn’t promise me that

Some days, I want children

But He didn’t promise me that

Some days, I want to be happy

But He didn’t promise me that

Each day, He is with me

And He did promise me that

4/10/16 – ALJ