30

There's some relief in knowing

That I'll never have to be

Going back through life

In my twenties

I can leave worries in the past
And just take with me
All of the lessons
And some of the memories

I’m truly happy on this day
And there’s a smile upon my face
Knowing I’ve finally
Made it to this place

Lots of time and achievements
Three decades I’ve lived through
Here’s hoping that
There’s still more left to do

Thanks to the many along the way
Those that have supported, loved, and prayed
You all mean so much to me
In so many ways

7/16/15 – ALJ

Not in Control

Sure there are plenty of people that are perfectly happy being single. And I am. On most days. But today is not one of those days. Today I can’t help but wonder if it’s ever going to happen for me. And if it is, great. Then I’m happy to wait and know that in God’s own perfect timing things will happen. But what if you constantly wake up and hope that today will be the day. But in reality, that day is never coming. How do you live with that? How do you live knowing that the one thing that you think will make your life better will never happen? That you will never get to experience this wonderful part of life.

I don’t want to be single. Not today. But I know there are days when I am more than grateful to be on my own. It’s a paradox I live in. That I want to be fully on my own, but completely dependent on someone at the same time. To know that no matter what I was loved once. That I was desired.

How do you handle not being in control of your life?

BRAVE

You don’t know it

And never truly will

Know the affect you had on me

But having you in my life

Even in this unique way

Has pushed me to be a better me

A stronger me

A prouder me

You helped me to be brave

And for that I will be grateful

Though at times I will want to be

Sad and lonely

And mostly disappointed

But I have still gotten something

And that can’t be taken away

I have challenged myself

And now I can say

That I am a better person

I’ve changed for good, you see

I am a braver person

And that’s not for you; it’s for me.

7/13/15 – ALJ

Before You

I had a life before you

And I’m getting back to that

But I’ll be here and ready

If you want to take some space

Reserve some time to know me

Or have a desire to talk

I’m trusting God to guide us

And if we’re meant to be together

Then He will not lead us astray

But for right now and on this day

I am going to keep in mind

That I have a life to lead

And for now it’s mine to spend

To use my time wisely

Because most likely in the end

I won’t be able to go back

To being the person I am today

If I’m meant to live a life with you

It’s bound to be full of adventure

And I’ll want to enjoy it until the end.

7/6/15 – ALJ

Why?

Why?

It’s so easy to ask

Don’t need to know

The answer on the other end

Just shout it out

Ask it out loud

And then it’s left

For others to answer

To ponder and fret

Why, why, why?

The word now haunts

It swirls in the mind

Because…

And the mind goes blank

Because…

The answer will not wake

From a mind filled with doubt

This word now lingers

Controlling the mind

And then the words begin to flow

The answers take control

But there are so many to choose

And nothing is clear anymore

Because…

And the tongue is stuck

Because…

And the heart begins to drop

The answer isn’t good enough

No words seem right to say

The question cannot be conquered

There’s nothing that will win the day

6/24/15 -- ALJ

One-Way Street

Walking a one-way street alone

Chasing you down without any hope

Of catching up to you

You just won’t slow down

I call out your name

But your head is in the clouds

The others around you chant your name

You gladly turn and smile their way

I try to run faster, but you keep making turns

Back tracking I’m tired, I just won’t learn

It’s a selfish thing, this road I walk

Hoping to get something that you need not

For your world is filled with people and things

I had a need for you to fill

But you don’t need anything from me

Why has it taken so long for me to see?

That even though you take some time

You’re just being nice, just being kind

The question you ask will continue to whirl

In my head, making me think

But you won’t give me a second thought

So I will try to slip away

Not that you will notice then or any day

But I’ve given God my heart

And He will keep it from breaking this time

It’s not worth it to work so hard 

It’s got to be easier than this

So for now, I will disappear…

6/24/15 -- ALJ

Because

Because a relationship involves more than one

And seeing each other in person is more fun

Because I want to see your face when you smile

And maybe get to talk with you for a while

Because I want to hear your laugh and truly have seen

That it’s more than letters on a screen

Because I’m sick of wondering how busy you are

Or thinking about you even when I’m in my car

Because I’ve spent the last months wondering about you

And trying to figure out what I should or should not do

Because my patience is gone and I’m ready, I think

To dive right in and be brave,  I just hope I don’t sink

Because it’s God who has put you on my heart

He did this long ago, right from the start

Because I’m scared to think that I might be wrong

And waiting for an unhappy ending is a sad, sad song

Because I’m waiting and waiting and waiting some more

Just hoping that you’ll come knocking at my door

Because I built that bridge so long ago

And now I’m ready to run across it and not let you go

6/22/2015 -- ALJ